Moving To A New City? Here’s How to Make Friends

Moving to a new city comes with plenty of things to figure out. Where to buy groceries. Which roads to avoid at rush hour. Finding a decent place for coffee. Then there's the part nobody really puts on the moving checklist: figuring out who you're going to hang out with.

Making friends as an adult is awkward enough. Doing it after moving somewhere where you don't know anybody can make it feel like a second job, especially when you're already trying to settle into a new home and a new routine.

There are ways to make it easier, though. And according to psychologist Matthew Leahy, it doesn't necessarily involve becoming the kind of person who loves walking into a crowded room and introducing themselves to everyone.

Repetition Matters Most

One of the biggest mistakes people make is expecting friendship to happen from a single encounter.

You go to a meetup, talk to someone for 20 minutes, exchange a few pleasantries and then wonder why you didn't suddenly become friends. Leahy, a licensed clinical psychologist in Texas, says repetition matters much more than that.

A running group that meets every Tuesday can be more useful than going to five unrelated events. So can a recreational sports league, volunteer group, class, book club or church community. Even becoming a regular at the same local place can give you the repeated contact that helps an acquaintance become familiar.

That part matters because friendship usually takes a little time. The first time you see someone, you don't know much about them. The second time, you might remember their name. A few weeks later, you know they have kids or that they're training for a race or that they always complain about the same terrible commute.

It sounds insignificant, but that's how people stop being strangers. It also helps to pick something you actually like doing. If you hate running, joining a running club because it seems like a good place to meet people probably isn't going to make your new life much more enjoyable.

Somebody Has To Make The Next Move

This is where adults can get stuck. Two people have a good conversation, both seem interested in talking again, and then nothing happens because neither wants to be the one who makes things weird.

Leahy says adults often wait for someone else to initiate because they're afraid of seeming awkward or overly eager. Sometimes you just have to ask.

“Hey, I enjoyed talking with you. Want to do this again?” isn't exactly a complicated line. It may feel uncomfortable to say it, particularly if it's been a long time since you've had to make friends from scratch. But that's different from doing something wrong.

Understand Building New Friendships Takes Time

A new city can feel surprisingly lonely even when you're surrounded by people. You lose all those little relationships that existed without much thought in your old neighborhood. The barista who recognized you. The neighbor you occasionally talked to. The person you always saw walking their dog. Those weren't necessarily close friendships, but they made a place feel familiar.

That doesn't mean filling every empty night on the calendar with plans, either. Leahy says introverts don't need to force themselves into a completely different personality just because they've moved. Someone who hates happy hours doesn't suddenly need to become a happy-hour regular.

In fact, packing the schedule too tightly can backfire. One or two activities a week where the same people show up may be enough to get started. There will probably be some nervousness involved. That's normal. Leahy says part of dealing with anxiety around social situations is being willing to do something even when your brain is telling you not to.

But there's a difference between pushing yourself a little and wearing yourself out. You can go to the class, talk to someone and still go home afterward. And when you do talk to people, it helps to take the focus off yourself.

Leahy recommends getting curious rather than worrying about whether you're coming across as interesting. Someone mentions a restaurant? Ask if it's actually worth going to. They've lived in the city for years? Ask where they go when friends visit.

They Mention A Hobby? Ask About It.

People tend to give away little clues about what they enjoy talking about, Leahy says. Paying attention to those clues gives the conversation somewhere to go without having to come up with clever things to say.

It can also help with the original problem of being new to town. The people you're meeting can tell you things no moving guide can. The good restaurants. The park that's actually worth visiting. The neighborhood everyone likes. The place with the surprisingly good tacos that somehow never shows up on the lists.

Eventually, those conversations start adding up. The person you keep seeing at the weekly class isn't a stranger anymore. The neighbor you've been waving at becomes someone you can call. You have a few places where people recognize you.

That's usually how a new city starts feeling like home. Not all at once, and probably not because of one perfect night out. Just a lot of small interactions that happen often enough to stick.

Looking for stories that inform and engage? From breaking headlines to fresh perspectives, WaveNewsToday has more to explore. Ride the wave of what’s next.